


The Moment I Can Feel That You Feel the Same Way Too

by mcgarrygirl78



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Drama, Episode: s17e11 Townhouse Incident, F/M, Gen, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-14
Updated: 2016-02-14
Packaged: 2018-05-20 12:38:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6006360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They also knew that Liv had lioness tendencies.  When wounded if she was approached in the wrong way she could rip you to shreds.  Better to give her space to heal and return to the pride on her own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Moment I Can Feel That You Feel the Same Way Too

Olivia dragged herself out of bed when she heard the knock on the door. The clock said it was only 11:30 so she had no idea who it was. She hoped it wasn’t someone there who wanted to cheer her up…the lieutenant was not in the mood. It had only been two days since the incident. She was working on getting cleared for a return to work before the week ended. She was anxious, hypervigilant, and having night terrors again. 

Olivia also pretended that none of these things were actually happening. She was just afraid that if she was forced to stop moving again, stop working that it would all come back. She had to stay sane at all costs; she had to fake it until she made it. Liv had Noah to think about. There was no way she could have a nervous breakdown and be a good mother. She knew from experience that it was impossible.

Even though it was hard to let Noah out of her sight, Lucy put her foot down this morning. He'd been out of daycare for two days and needed to go back to his routine. He knew something was wrong but couldn’t articulate or express it. If Liv really wanted things to seem, or be, normal for her son, she had to let him get back to his routine. So Lucy washed and dressed him and they left for the day. 

She told Liv that she would pick him up at three and keep him occupied for the next two hours so his mom could have some alone time. Liv almost said no but knew that Lucy was right. She also knew that the nanny was dealing with her own feelings of guilt for asking Liv to check out the situation in the first place. Neither one of them were ready to have that conversation so she kissed her son goodbye and went back to bed. It was easier to sleep during the day.

Looking out the peephole, Liv was surprised by the face she saw on the other side. He couldn’t see her and for a moment she thought of pretending that she wasn’t even home. Her curiosity got the best her though. What was he doing there? Why was he dressed like a regular person? What was in the big bag he was carrying? 

Those questions, and a few other stray thoughts, made Liv open her front door. It was only when she opened it that she realized she probably looked like fresh hell. She was still in last night pajamas. Her hair was a mess; she wore no makeup. Her feet were bare and she was sure her breath stank. OK, it was a little late to slam the door in his face.

“Good morning, Captain.” She tried to keep her mouth as closed as possible. There was no use in knocking him over dead with morning breath.

“Hi.” Ed Tucker wore an awkward smile. “Is it alright if I come in?”

“I'm not exactly dressed for company.”

“I see that, and I probably should've called first. I thought about calling but figured you wouldn’t answer the phone. Not in a personal way but…”

“Just come in.” Liv moved aside. Awkward Tucker was probably more awkward for her than he was for himself. She didn’t want to make him nervous or to feel uncomfortable. It was best to find out what he was doing there, make some nice, and kick him out…kindly. She couldn’t do that when he was still standing outside.

“I'm sorry to wake you. I thought at this hour that you would be up and running around behind Noah.”

“He's at daycare. I wasn’t going to let him go but it’s not good for him to be shut in all the time. I can't let my stuff stifle him. You're um…casual.”

Ed was dressed in blue jeans, a black Polo sweater, and Adidas. He wore a leather jacket over his sweater. The casual look was a good one on him. Something about him still screamed cop though, or maybe private eye with vengeance on his mind. While Ed Tucker could do casual well, there was something about him that never quite seemed relaxed. Liv could identify.

“I took the day off. I know, hold in your shock. There were some things I wanted to get done and there's no time like the present. When I'm not on the clock I dress like normal people. It has its advantages.”

“I don’t think I've ever seen you not quite on the clock. Are those flowers for me?”

“They are.” Ed handed her the lavender roses. “I saw them and I immediately thought of you. Sometimes flowers really can liven up a place, no different from other plants that way I guess. So I bought them. I pass a guy who has a flower kiosk nearly every day so he appreciated me stopping this time.”

“They're really lovely.” Liv held them to her nose. “I'm just going to um…let me make myself presentable.”

“You look fine, Liv.”

“You're being too kind.”

Ed shrugged but Olivia excused herself anyway. She put the flowers in the kitchen and then disappeared into her bedroom. Ed looked over when he heard the door close. He didn’t expect that. Ed walked across the living room and sat down in the chair, putting the large paper bag he was carrying by his feet. 

The apartment wasn’t filthy but there were indications of a toddler everywhere. There were toys on the floor, DVDs and books scattered on the coffee table, and an overturned sippy cup on the couch. Cleaning had surely been the last thing on Olivia’s mind over the past couple of days. Ed’s kids had been young once too and sometimes there was little point of tidying up…the next mess was just a breath away. You made sure food wasn’t smeared into the carpets or walls and no one killed the pets by squeezing them to death. Every night you went to bed having achieved those things was a victory.

Nearly ten minutes had gone by, Ed was about to get up and knock on the bedroom door when Olivia came out. She was dressed in gray yoga pants and an oversized Harvard Law sweatshirt. Her hair was pulled back in a messy ponytail. Almost acting as if he isn't there, Liv went into the kitchen. She half-filled a vase with water and put the roses in it.

“Can I get you a drink or something, Tucker?” she asked.

“It’s a little early but…”

“I wasn’t talking about an alcoholic beverage.” She almost smiled. “There's more to life than bourbon and wine.”

“I’ll try to remember that. Do you have any orange juice?”

Nodding, Liv poured two glasses of orange juice. She came back into the living room and sat down on the couch. Ed grabbed his bag and joined her.

“What's in the bag?”

“I bought you something.” He reached down and pulled out a large basket. It was wrapped in pink plastic giftwrap.

“Wow, that’s something alright. What's in this basket?”

“I call it a relaxation basket. It’s got shower gels, bath bombs, teas, a bottle of wine, aromatherapy spray for your sheets, candles that promote calm and relaxation, _Gilmore Girls_ Season 1 on DVD for an array of happy laughter and healthy tears, slipper socks, a CD of Alan Rickman reading Shakespeare’s sonnets, some Unisom, and _Fat Tuesday_ by Sandra Brown. I have a friend who says it’s a fantastic novel for escapism.”

Liv wasn’t even sure what to say; thank you didn’t seem like enough. Her friends were staying away for the time being. It wasn’t because they didn’t care, they cared a lot. They also knew that Liv had lioness tendencies. When wounded if she was approached in the wrong way she could rip you to shreds. Better to give her space to heal and return to the pride on her own.

“You don’t seem like a _Gilmore Girls_ fan.” She said. “Or did you just think I would like it?”

“My daughter made me watch it and I love the show.” Ed drank his orange juice. “It’s quirky and fun but it also deals with a lot of issues I identify with.”

“Like what?” Liv asked. She needed to know. She needed to know anything about him that didn’t just identify him as Tucker. Not that there was anything wrong with that, Liv learned some time ago.

“Breaking away from your family and making it on your own in a strange new world. I didn’t leave home 16 and pregnant but that doesn’t mean I can’t identify with Lorelai. And it makes me laugh and cry.”

“You do not cry watching the _Gilmore Girls_.” She smiled some, lightly hitting his arm. “Stop it.”

“I have once or twice.” Ed held up his hand. “Swear to God.”

“Stop.”

“I thought this might help you find a comfortable space during your time off. I know you're not going to listen to me, and you don’t have to, but this could be an opportunity for you to take some real time off.”

“How much time off do you think I need?”

“A few weeks at least. You can relax, watch TV, read a book, spend time with Noah, or pick up a new hobby. I don't know,” Ed shrugged. “It would be good for you.”

“Crime’s not going to take a few weeks off, Tucker.”

“The NYPD has plenty of officers out on the street. Your squad isn't understaffed like it used to be. You even have a sergeant now.”

“Baby Dodds doesn’t exactly have the experience he needs to run a squad. My squad needs me.”

“You might need them a little more than they need you.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Liv sat up a little straighter.

Ed knew that look in her eyes. She was smarting for a fight. He was in the room so he was as good as anyone. His mind began to race; should he try to stem the tide or should he let her go off on someone? There probably wasn’t a need to be a hero.

“I'm just saying that they can handle what needs to be handled while you're gone. The mandatory time off and talking to a shrink is there for a reason. You have PTSD, Olivia. What happened in that townhouse surely brought up things that you need to work through.”

“Mind your business, Tucker.”

“I can do that.” He nodded.

It was quiet for a while, and the silence was tense. There were things he wanted to say, questions he wanted to ask, but wasn’t sure how. Was she alright? Was she going to be alright? Was there anything she needed? Could he just give her a hug? 

The light in her eyes was gone, that wasn’t surprising given all that happened. Ed just worried that with all Olivia had been through in the past few years that this might be something she wouldn’t come back from. She could fake it, some would say she could fake it well, but it was tearing her apart inside. He wasn’t a shrink though he'd seen enough damaged cops in his time. 

Olivia Benson was a strong woman. Sometimes she was an incredibly stubborn woman. That was attractive. Right now it was a hindrance. She wasn’t going to let him help her. Her unbreakable will complex was as strong as his hero complex. They had them for completely different reasons. 

“I just wanted to check in on you.” Ed cleared his throat and finished his orange juice. It was time to go…no need to overstay his welcome. “I thought the basket might come in handy, also my stepmother told me its rude to show up at someone’s home without a gift. That probably goes double for showing up unannounced.”

“It was a lovely gesture; thank you.” Liv said.

“Sure.” He stood up from the couch and began to walk to the door. Ed never intended for this to get awkward and uncomfortable. Why he didn’t, he had no idea. What other way could it have possibly gone?

“He asked me who cared about me.”

“I'm sorry?” 

Her voice stopped him in his tracks. Ed turned around and looked at her sitting on the couch. Liv looked small, as if she was trying to shrink into herself. How was it possible to look so sad and so damn defiant at the same time? He had no idea where she got her strength. Still, he wanted to tell her that it was OK to fall. It just wasn’t fucking possible to stand as long as she had, take so many blows, and not fall.

“Joe asked me who I trusted in the NYPD.” Liv said. “He asked me who cared about me; cared if I lived or I died. He asked me that and I called you.”

“It was the right thing to do.” Ed said. “I'm the best negotiator on the force, as quiet as it’s kept. You knew that.”

“I didn’t.” she shook her head.

“What do you mean?”

“Ed, how the hell would I know that you were in hostage negotiation before IAB? You're the one with the files on everyone in the department, not me. He asked me who had juice in the NYPD that cared about me.”

“What do you want me to say?” he checked his tone because he wasn’t angry. Ed was tired and he was scared. There was nothing to be afraid of anymore; she was safe. But there was no way in hell she would let him comfort her. That hurt him down to the tips of his toes. 

It was also something he had no intention of her burdening her with. “Do you want me to say that I care? You know that I care about you. It was extremely difficult to hear you in pain, to know that one slip up from me could mean your life. You told me that it would never work, and that’s fine Liv…”

“Just don’t leave…OK?”

“You can't use me, Olivia. I want you to be OK, I will help in any way that I can if you'll let me. But you can’t use me…I have feelings.”

“Yeah.” She nodded.

“What am I doing?” he asked, his hands making the gesture that he had no idea where to go from there.

“I’ll call you. Maybe when my head clears we can have a drink, get some dinner.”

“Sure.” Ed’s smile wasn’t genuine but he did his best to make it look that way. He was pretty sure that she saw through it but he didn’t know what else to do. He walked back across the room, putting his hands on her shoulders. The kiss he pressed on her forehead was gentle. “I'm here if you need anything. I'm here as a friend, as a cop who's seen my fair share of shit. You can call me anytime. And enjoy your basket.”

He inhaled sharply when Liv wrapped her arms around his middle. Ed held onto her and tried to figure out how in the hell he would ever let go. Maybe it would never work between them, he surely wasn’t going to try and change Olivia’s mind since she was so adamant about that. But she knew he cared. She knew he cared and that he would be there for her in any capacity she let him while she was recovering. 

Olivia was the one holding on right now. There was no point in pontificating the reasons why. This was the kind of situation where the questions were flying at him way quicker than the answers ever would. It had been that way since Ed finally let himself acknowledge that he might have feelings for her. Holding on and shutting up was in everyone’s best interest. Ed kissed the top of her head, stroking her hair as they breathed almost in sync.

“You're Luke you know.” Liv pulled away first, trying not to make a big deal of wiping away her falling tears. “You’re the voice of reason in this shit storm of insanity.”

Ed moved a few steps closer to her, back into her personal space. He wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do but the pull was too strong. Tilting Liv’s chin up so she was looking at him, he kissed her. It was so soft at first, his lips barely touching hers. Then he leaned in closer, his tongue coaxing her mouth open as the need and passion overtook him. Ed stopped before he lost himself in her. This wasn’t the reason he came over to her apartment.

“Despite the ambiguity of the ending, I like to think that Luke and Lorelai found their way back to each other. That was as it should be.” He replied. “I'm gonna go. But I'm here in an instant if you need anything.”

She nodded, this time making no attempt to stop him as he went to the door. Ed looked back once more before walking out. He stood outside for a few minutes, the palm of his hand pressed against the wood. He was too damn old to have a Lloyd Dobler moment. Maybe she would call him. 

Maybe she would take him up on his open offer of dinner or a drink. Maybe they wouldn’t see each other until the job once again pushed them in each other’s line of fire. He really had no idea. Olivia wasn’t like many other people Ed knew. He couldn’t predict her movements or what might bring a change in their situation. 

It wasn’t easy being in a relationship where you had no control. Even calling it a relationship was a joke. It was something though, something he wanted. Something she wanted little or nothing to do with it. Maybe Ed would just have to live with her never calling him again, but always knowing she called him when it mattered the most.

***


End file.
